Should I consider marrying someone abroad?
Growing up, I heard several love stories from Nigerian couples, including my parents, about how one spouse brought the other to the West. They endured a smooth, legal immigration process in which the non-citizen spouse was granted American citizenship on the basis of marriage. Today, some well-meaning people are advising singles in the West to consider doing the same thing.
Even though I see nothing wrong with exploring marital opportunities back home, I am not entirely convinced about marrying abroad. My reasoning is that immigration laws and processes have changed. As a result, it is no longer easy to bring a spouse to America on the basis of marriage. What does this mean for Nigerian Americans who marry someone from back home? They may have to live apart (long-distance) until the spouse is granted a marriage visa, which can take years due to how laws have changed.
How is this the case? The situation exists due to people who scammed the immigration system to obtain a visa, green card, or citizenship status. In response, most Western countries toughened their citizenship-by-marriage laws, making it hard for even the authentic person to file for their spouse.
Married couples are not supposed to be separated for a period of time. In fact, a long-distance marriage is a social construct that we have come to accept. Unfortunately, people underestimate the negative effects of a long-distance relationship, especially at a time when independence and self-love have been overemphasized.
Long-distance relationships are deprived of vital relational elements such as physical presence, physical communication, accountability, and trust, which are vital relational elements. This is a reason couples in such situations tend to grow apart and experience a process of relationship rebuilding early in their marriage.
Biblically and naturally speaking, presence is important. This force will establish and strengthen intimacy. We need our spouse's presence to engage in sexual activities, offer physical touch (kisses, holding of hands, hugging, smelling their good perfume or cologne, lying on their lap, etc.), go for a walk in the park, root for us at a presentation, pamper us when we are sick, or perform other activities that can benefit from our presence or companionship.
Communication. I believe this can go hand in hand with physical presence. Physical communication allows couples to be fully engaged and attentive to each other. This includes putting aside distractions and focusing on the moment, paying attention to what your spouse is saying, and actively listening to their thoughts and feelings. This style of communication promotes open dialogue, trust, and understanding.
Couples in long-distance marriages are unable to experience this type of communication. They would have to communicate by phone, text, and video. This type of communication, particularly text, can lead to a variety of distractions and assumptions that might always cause conflict. This is because both sides cannot detect tone or feelings. As a result, one person will assume that the other is angry.
Accountability. Everyone needs a person who will hold them accountable. This is lacking in a long-distance marriage because both people live in separate areas. Eventually, someone in the relationship will take advantage of the distance and do things that could jeopardize the relationship. The primary one is control. To combat the fears that come with being separated from a partner for an extended period, one or both spouses may engage in harmful, controlling behaviors.
As a single woman preparing herself for marriage, a relationship coach that I follow says that a lack of accountability is often the thing that jeopardizes a long-distance relationship.
To conclude, married couples are not supposed to be separated for any length of time. You may be wondering, “What will you do if your spouse, who is physically present, has a job that requires constant travel?” While I understand that some careers or entrepreneurship opportunities may require travel, a husband and father should not sacrifice the stability of their family and marriage for financial endeavors.
Long-distance marriage is not part of our relational essence, and nobody should be forced into such a situation in the name of “being strong” until their spouse can provide physical presence. This is why I am skeptical when it comes to marrying someone from abroad. While I am not totally against marrying someone from abroad, it is important to weigh the cons.
